Iâ€™m going to take heat for this but thereâ€™s something wrong with what we consider normal these days, that a girl feels she matters more because sheâ€™s had a baby even though sheâ€™s planning to support that baby on welfare, no daddy in sight, because that has become the norm in some subsets of our culture. A generation ago programs like public housing and food stamps and WIC were meant to help people out for a couple of years while they found a way to go to school or get a job or somehow dig out of hard times. Now weâ€™re talking about grandparents and parents and kids thinking public housing is where they live, where they should live, where they want to raise their babies so that those babies think itâ€™s where they should raise their babies, and that is just not
Right is waiting until you finish school and have married someone who is going to stick around and help raise those children. Right is insisting that men man up and support their families. Right is giving your children the example of getting out of public housing and off public assistance and going out and doing something big in the world.Â See the effects of modeling?
Iâ€™m a single mother because of divorce, but I became a single mother well after Iâ€™d graduated from college, and my daughterâ€™s dad is involved in her life both financially and emotionally. Even so, there is not a day that goes by that I donâ€™t sacrifice something I want to do so I can supervise homework or drive carpool or sit and listen while my daughter worries about this or that. It is hard daily, and I chose this. I one hundred percent said, okey dokey, I will give up all kinds of stuff so I can be her mother.
Are you choosing that? Or are you saying that having a baby will finally make me
important, or having a baby will make me an adult, or maybe just if I give him sex heâ€™ll love me?
Yes, having a baby equals love for a long time. Yes it means more money from the
government, which may mean your own apartment and your own world and no longer putting up with trash talk or smacks upside the head or being made to feel crappy by your father or boyfriend. That money may seem big now, but it doesnâ€™t get bigger and it will never be enough. Being poor with a child is hard, especially when the baby daddy is out there crowing about how many women heâ€™s bred while heâ€™s not giving you a shiny dime to help that baby grow, let alone doing the tedious day-to-day stuff of parenting. And if he does come by, if he does tote the baby, people treat him like heâ€™s some kind of saint.
Thatâ€™s not how theyâ€™ll be treating you.
A man-friend of mine who is black and a cop and a dad talked to me today about how much political will itâ€™s going to take for this to no longer be our norm. Itâ€™s going to take young people in the heat of lordy lordy to decide to use a condom. Itâ€™s going to take mothers and fathers â€“ fathers! â€“ to set the example of finishing high school and going to college, of moving out of poverty and doing things that make the world better.
We need rites of passage in this world that donâ€™t include having babies. We need girls to stop feeling like women because they have babies and boys to stop feeling like men because theyâ€™ve spread their seed. Thatâ€™s not working for the mothers, who give up the opportunity to do and be anything they want. Itâ€™s not working for the fathers, who donâ€™t get the pride that comes from doing the right thing. And itâ€™s not working for the children, who are going to grow up believing they donâ€™t deserve better.
About Janine Latus
Janine Latus is best known as the author of the international bestseller If I Am Missing or Dead: a sisterâ€™s story of love, murder and liberation, which has made both the New York Times and Sunday Times (of London) bestseller lists. She is a compelling teacher and speaker, and spokeswoman for Amyâ€™s Courage Fund, which gives money directly to women who need out of abusive relationships.
As a magazine writer she has busked on the streets of Chicago to write about what itâ€™s like to sing for your supper. She has galloped the beaches of the Dominican Republic, eaten her way through Kansas City and danced herself into a frenzy, all to gather the kind of you-are-there details that make a story sing. She has coaxed women to tell her how much they weigh and why, and couples to admit how much they earn, how they spend their money and what theyâ€™d like to do differently. She has cried along with women as they described surviving mastectomies, and wept with their family members when they did not.
Her work has appeared in O, the Oprah magazine, More, Womanâ€™s Day, Family Circle, Parents, All You, American Baby and the inflight magazines for US Air, American Airlines, Continental and TWA. She has written for WomensWallStreet.com and MSN Money. Her commentaries have aired on Public Radio Internationalâ€™s Marketplace, and she routinely speaks at conferences, workshops and press events on things as far apart as domestic violence and the joy of selecting the perfect verb. She has taught at the Missouri School of Journalism and at East Carolina University, and and at writing workshops at universities in Missouri, North Carolina and Wisconsin.
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